“It is intention, monks, that I call karma; having intended, one acts by body, speech, or mind.” ~~ Siddhartha Gautama, “The Buddha”
Other than eschewing eating meat so as to prevent the suffering of another being, I wonder how the Buddha would have participated in a modern Thanksgiving celebration.
What would he say about grand feasts and the gathering of friends and family? Would he have appreciated the fact that people set aside a specific Thursday in November to intentionally try to be grateful?
For men, I think the Buddha would have actively encouraged us to approach Thanksgiving with what Buddhists call kataññū-katavedī — knowing what’s been done for you and trying to repay it.
Buddha would say that kharma is not a pre-determined fate, but a life we create through our intentions. So, I think he would have seen Thanksgiving Day as an opportunity for us to examine our lives, our behaviors and thoughts, to see if we hold in our hearts the gratitude that allows us to repay our fortune through acts of love.
For too many men today, our default personality profile makes gratitude and emotional presence feel less automatic. As a result, we’re happy to have women preparing the Thanksgiving meal while we enjoy the appetizers and watch the day’s football games.
I think this male inclination shows up in the gender correlations we see in the Clearer Thinking Gender Continuum Test. This self-reporting survey found that about one out of four men scored a -1.5 or less on the Unselfish questions in the survey, versus only one out of ten women.
Translated? Men are twice as likely to prioritize looking after ourselves.
For example, 2022 U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics data shows that on average, women spend 50 percent more time than men every day preparing meals. From 2003–2022 the share of U.S. men who cook on a given day rose from 36 percent to 52 percent, while women went from 69 percent to 72 percent.
Men are cooking more than they used to, but women still shoulder more of the daily cooking responsibilities and spend more minutes at the stove.
This is NOT a knock on men. We’re raised to be more self-valuing and less unselfish, too often neither encouraged nor taught to do household chores like cooking.
Most adults report having learned to cook usually from parents (especially mothers). But men are consistently less likely than women to have been taught and less likely to cook frequently, across multiple countries and datasets.
I learned to cook mostly by spending time in the kitchen with my mother, who considered Thanksgiving her favorite day of the year. It became mine as well when I entered my teen years and only increased as I grew into a man.
With a family of nine children — our tenth sibling died at seven days old in the late 1950s — my childhood Thanksgiving days were always incredibly warm and festive.
As we all matured and started our own families, it only grew larger, louder — and somehow warmer.
Dessert was always accompanied by a soundtrack of our favorite Christmas songs, albums spun by yours truly on my parents’ living room stereo. Then a group of us would decamp to the den downstairs for a marathon game of cards (Spades for fun, Poker for money).
Yes. There was football, but unless one of our teams was playing, it wasn’t central to the day — family was.
So when my now ex-wife and I were first looking for homes, I immediately fell in love with the house we purchased because the kitchen flowed into a large eat-in dining space that opened up to the den. I could be in the kitchen cooking for Thanksgiving while still being present to the warmth and joy of friends and family, eating and talking.
On those occasionally warm Thanksgiving Days, our kids would be in the backyard playing on the jungle gym or trampoline with their cousins. I could feel my parents’ love for the day observing it all.
I loved everything about those Thanksgivings, from the moment the week started to the Wednesday before the big day, when I would take the day off to shop for all of our feast’s ingredients, stopping at my favorite wine store to purchase a few really good bottles.
Learning to be grateful
When asked in 2024 what they are most thankful for, nearly half of Americans told YouGov their Thanksgiving gratitude list was topped by family and friends (followed by health at 19 percent). I couldn’t find a male/female breakout for the data, but other surveys show how these results may skew by gender.
For example, according to a Pew Research Center 2023 blog, women are much more likely than men to say having family nearby is very important to them (42 percent vs 29 percent).
So, on the Clearer Thinking spectrum, it appears the average man is starting Thanksgiving with less built-in gratitude fuel than the average woman — he has the capacity to feel all of the warmth, but his default settings tilt more toward self-interest than toward open-hearted, other-oriented gratitude.
Which brings me back to the Buddha and his teachings.
As Thanksgiving week begins, I’d like to suggest that you set some intentions for the holiday.
If your home is not hosting a Thanksgiving celebration, how do you plan to show up at the celebration in another home?
What sense of gratitude will you bring for the individuals who have invited you?
Are you intending to contribute to the celebration? In what way?
If your home is hosting the celebration, what can you do this week to both contribute to the warmth and joy of the day, and increase your ability to feel its warmth and joy?
How can you be grateful for those who will be doing the work in your home to make the day warm and joyous?
How can you participate in that work from a place of gratitude, and reduce the workload and stress of others?
The human brain is not permanently fixed to any thought or behavior.
But to alter what we think and do requires intention and regular active practice. It is this consistent mindfulness and action that triggers the joyous hormones and neurochemicals that act as incentives and rewards, thus creating a more instinctual set of future behaviors.
This Thanksgiving, try to practice being present and grateful to yourself and to everyone around you. Notice how the day is making you feel. Share your appreciation for your friends and loved ones as openly as you can.
Start today by planning out the week and day for the joy you deserve and the joy your friends and loved ones are grateful to see in you.
See you Thanksgiving Day for some final thoughts.
