Real Men Don’t Push Strollers (Said No Happy Dad Ever)

How some New York area fathers are toddling past outdated parenting stereotypes.

“Yeah. I don’t get it. Your kids aren’t going to remember that you were there anyway.”

I was on a ferry headed into New York City for a job interview with American Express. As a new dad with a daughter less than a year old, I couldn’t help but eavesdrop on this conversation between two men (both about my age) sitting in front of me.

From what I could glean listening in, the two men were discussing a third man who recently resigned his role at their firm because he said he was worried about missing out on his newborn growing up.

I was transitioning from a previous role where I had been regularly traveling back and forth to London for my employer, a British airline, constantly in D.C. lobbying on our behalf, and attending meetings around the U.S.

I missed so much of my daughter’s first year of life and I was worried about that. I had been grateful for the two months I was able to spend at home with her before applying for this role.

However, I was the sole breadwinner for the family. When we were dating, the woman I married told me early on that she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom until the kids were in school all day.

I made her the promise that I would honor that request. Interviewing for this role in public relations at American Express was fulfilling my end of the bargain – despite my reservations.

We had moved about a one hour and forty-five-minute commute away from Manhattan two years earlier and given the cost of homes in the New York metropolitan region, it was a given that if we could afford a house, it would be at least that far away.

Build on top of that an intense job for a fast-growing division at a company employing some of the smartest and most ambitious people in the world, I knew, sitting on that ferry, why this missing man opted out.

I have always thought that one of the biggest reasons why men struggle with being more unselfish, more emotional, more emotionally aware of others, is that when men are young, they aren’t encouraged to be caregivers for babies and small children.

This is why I think it is patently unfair that men are stereotyped and beaten up for not being good fathers when they get older. Creating environments where men can normalize the nurturing side of themselves is exactly what we need.

Cue the Brooklyn Stroll Club.

One thousand men have joined the New York metro area Stroll Club, attending regular play dates and enjoying strolls in parks together, according to a New York Times article about the dads group. Fathers as far away as the Catskills have joined.

Joe Gonzales, a senior producer at a creative agency and first-time father to a 10-month-old son, started the group because “I didn’t have a lot of dad friends in New York, and I really wanted to connect with people who were going through a similar experience.”

“Fatherhood was a very isolating experience at first,” said Rene Jimenez, 31, the assistant dean of students at the Dalton School. “To be in a community with other men who are trying to figure out how to be really good dads and break cycles that have been repeated for years — it’s really important.”

The article received 72 comments, including these two:

KF2, from Newark Valley, NY wrote about how he was a stay-at-home dad in the early 1980's. “You have no idea what comments I received ...........all suggesting a father caring for his child was somehow undesirable or bizarre. I'm glad I've lived long enough to see how times have changed and fathers no longer have to be defensive about their parenting. Seeing these dads enjoy their children brings back my most joyful memories.”

And this from Sobremesa: “Be the change you want to see. I had a hands-on dad, and it changed both our lives for the better. May this spread to communities everywhere.”

This story took me back to that ferry ride 30 years ago, and to those two men trying to convince themselves that working and commuting cost their children and them nothing.

They had no idea the price they were paying.

I think we need more research into the benefits of dads being active in their babies’ lives so that men can permanently throw away parenting myths and stereotypes, and make better-informed work/life decisions for their families.

Maybe someone could conduct a longitudinal study on the Brooklyn Stroll Club families, this way we can see in 20-30 years what lasting impression these men and these moments have left on their babies and toddlers.

And boy, what I wouldn’t do to help Joe Gonzalez take this nationwide. Heck. Let’s make it go global.